New Orleans vs. Minnesota

Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we've gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota.
Garrison Keillor

I've had a couple of riders from Minnesota recently. I was glad for the chance to try out on them some personal observations which have been occupying my mind lately -- observations concerning the differences between their home state and mine. I was gratified when these Minnesota natives assured me that I was on the right track (assuming of course that it wasn't simply a matter of their being too polite to disagree) because truth be told, I've never been there. My image of Minnesota is based largely on the work of the groundbreaking cultural anthropologist Garrison Keillor. If the real Minnesota doesn't bear any resemblance to Lake Wobegone, then all my analysis is way off base.


Let's start with the facts of the case: Minnesota  is home to the headwaters of the Mississippi River; New Orleans, on the other hand, is located near the mouth of the Mississippi. The "mouth" of course is the place where the river discharges its contents into the great septic pool of the sea. Which raises an interesting question: Why is it called the mouth? If we're going to go with body parts, wouldn't it... Ummm, never mind...


OK, where was I? Oh yeah, so Minnesota and New Orleans are located at opposite ends of the Mississippi. They say you can wade across the Mississippi at its source in Minnesota. You could also wade across it at New Orleans -- if you were 202 feet tall. (I've read that it's 200 feet deep; I figure you'd need that extra two feet just to keep your head comfortably above water.)


Anyway, the idea that Minnesota and New Orleans are at opposite ends of the river got me thinking about all the ways that we, the inhabitants of these two places, are mirror images of one another. Their culture is built on a  northern European (Scandinavian) base; ours is built on a southern European (Mediterranean) base. They're Lutheran; we're Catholic. (Not me personally, but you get the idea.) They reward restraint; we practice excess. They're modest; we're flamboyant. Their big annual event is the state fair, the highlight of which is butter sculpture. (I'm not making this up!) Our big annual event is Mardi Gras, the highlight of which is girls exposing their boobs for a set of plastic beads. (I'm not making this up either!)


What about the food? Here's an actual quote from the Wikipedia article on Minnesota cuisine: "Minnesota is also known for hot dish and jello salads." I'm not sure what "hot dish" is exactly, but I doubt that the heat comes from an abundance of Tabasco. And jello salads? Seriously? And they think sucking crawfish heads is weird?  The closest thing you can get to jello salad in the Vieux Carre is jello shots, which they sell at a certain daiquiri shop. Presumably these appeal mostly to the under-21-with-fake-id crowd. Either that or tourists from Minnesota who've come here to really cut loose.


Let's consider music for a moment. Bob Dylan is undoubtedly Minnesota's most famous music man. Here on the south end of the river, if you're going to have pick one singer/musician who best represents New Orleans, I think you'd have to go with Louis Armstrong. Now, picture their faces. Look them both up on Google images if you want to. But really, why bother? You know what I'm talking about without even looking.


Let's start with Louis Armstrong. I estimate that those bulging eyes and that huge smile make the white to black ratio of his face something like 3:1. In every picture he he seems to be showing an expression of either delighted amazement or amazed delight. Look at Louis Armstrong and you see the very embodiment of laissez les bon temps rouler. (By the way, I'm aware that the happy negro stereotype was one that was all too comfortable for a lot of white racists and deeply disturbing to blacks and that Satchmo took plenty of flack from fellow African Americans for being an Uncle Tom. But scholars seem to be recognizing more and more that he made a substantial contribution to the civil rights struggle. And he pulled it off with that big grin on his face the whole time.)  


What about Dylan? For all his rebellion against conservative Midwestern values, he embodies an austere outlook that must have deep roots in his Minnesota milieu. Like Armstrong, he has two variations in his repertoire of facial expressions: sneer and scowl. Unlike Armstrong, his eyes and teeth aren't so prominent. In fact, we know that Bob Dylan has eyes because we sometimes get a glimpse of them through the narrow slits of his eyelids, but as to his teeth, there hasn't been a confirmed sighting in forty years. (Someone pointed out that the Wikipedia entry on Bob Dylan features a recent photo of him smiling slightly and revealing teeth. I would urge caution. We're all aware that Wikipedia isn't exactly known for its reliability.) 

If I'm right that the cultures at the north and south extremities of the river are polar opposites, my next question is: Why? Is it really coincidence? Do you suppose that the river might actually have something to do with it? Here's my theory: The Mississippi drains an area of well over a million square miles. And the drinking water in New Orleans comes from the river. So perhaps we're enriched by all the nutrients of more than a million square miles flowing right to our doorstep. Or, one might argue, poisoned by the pollutants... Depending on which end of the river you come from, I guess.